Suicide

Received a phone call and asked about what to say to someone who is grieving over the suicide of a friend. The immediate tendency is to attempt to react with some kind of comfort by saying something alone the line of “Not everyone who commits suicide goes to hell. God is gracious and merciful and even the sin of suicide can be forgiven.”

While there is nothing inherently wrong with that statement, might it not send a wrong message to those who are contemplating suicide? Perhaps it is because I am on the radio every weekday that I have become sensitive to the many kinds of listeners out there. For some, the thought that they will go to hell if they commit suicide can become a deterrent to making that decision but if the impression is given that most people who commit suicide go to heaven, are we not then responsible for that action?

It has been a teaching of the Church for centuries that a person who commits suicide will go to hell unless there are extenuating circumstances. What kind of circumstances? For example, a girl is slipped a drug into her drink at a party. She hallucinates and imagines that she can fly. She jumps through a three-story window falling to her death. Though technically it is a suicide, it is clear that she was not in control of her senses.

However, to argue that anyone who commits suicide is out of control is an error in judgment. For there are those who are so fed up with life, who are so angry at the god they thinks exists or who are atheists, that committing suicide could result in an eternity in hell.

Our dilemma is the following. On the one hand, we do want to give comfort to a person who is grieving over another’s suicide but one the other hand, we do not want to give the impression that God is so merciful and gracious that every act of suicide is forgiven. The problem is we cannot read hearts and so are rarely aware of the level of faith, if any at all, of a person who commits suicide.

I normally have two responses to those asking about the fate of a person who commits suicide. The first is to another pastor or theologian when asking whether the person who has committed suicide should be given a Christian burial and the second response is when talking to someone who needs to be comforted.

I am a pastor of the public ministry, not the private ministry. I absolve, confirm, marry and bury someone on the basis of a public profession of faith in Jesus Christ. In fact, the absolution in the liturgy begins, “Upon this, your confession…” And pastors ought not confirm someone who denies teachings of the Christian faith.

Thus, there is a two-step process I follow when a person has committed suicide and I have been asked to give them a Christian burial. First, is there any evidence that the individual is a Christian? If there is none, then I will not conduct the burial. That does not mean I will not speak to the relatives. But to conduct a Christian burial is only possible when the pastor can give the assurance that the individual who has died is indeed in heaven.

However, in regard to a person who commits suicide, I do not believe it is sufficient to give a Christian burial simply because he or she was a member of the congregation or a believer in Christ. For example, if the individual was being pursued by the police because he had molested a child and then shot himself rather than be arrested, it would be wrong to give that person a Christian burial.

On the other hand, it may be that God does bring that person into heaven because He is able to read the heart in a way I cannot. Therefore, I will not insist that anyone, including a person who commits suicide, is definitely going to hell. I am not God and am able only to make such a judgment about a Christian burial on the basis of the public evidence.

However, as mentioned earlier, if the person who committed suicide was a Christian and either a physician or psychologist can provide evidence that due to drugs or a mental illness the person was not himself, then I would have reason to conduct a Christian burial.

For example, I would conduct a Christian burial for a person who in his last days on earth was swearing at his children and wife. How could I do that? Because the physicians had diagnosed him with dementia. He had simply lost his ability to keep down the old Adam. In fact, during his more lucid moments, he was most anxious to receive the holy Sacrament of Christ’s body and blood.

In regard to the second point of comforting those who are grieving because of a friend or relative who committed suicide, I disagree with the notion that I can point to the mercy and grace of God and say the person is in heaven. But then, what comfort can I provide? Theology take place by making distinctions and the most important one is that between Law and Gospel.

Is it not true that when a person asks about the suicide of another, behind the question is the nature of the God we worship. From a Law and Gospel perspective, you give Law to those who are secure in sin and the Gospel to those who are truly in fear of God’s wrath. In the scenario I have provided, this person needs the Gospel, not the Law. But how to do so?

I disagree that the Gospel should be on the basis of whether the person who commtited suicide is going to hell or not. The focus should be on the promises of God instead. But I’ve already pointed out that we cannot provide the promise that the person is gong to heaven. Then what other promise is there?

Keep in mind that it is the faith of the person who asks the question, not the person who committed suicide, that is important in providing an answer. While what follows is not the only Gospel that can be provided, it is what I have found both to be comforting and in agreement with God’s holy Word.

There are really two sides of God. The one is the God we know as revealed in the holy Bible. The other is the God we don’t know who has kept hidden from us the answers to many of our questions. I believe that Christians need to respond a lot more with, “I have no answer to your question.” For when we provide an answer to a question that has not been clearly revealed in the Bible, we are talking about the hidden God Who has chosen not to reveal Himself or His decisions.

Then what can we say that God has promised? To the one grieving over a person who has committed suicide I say something like the following: “Your question really is asking whether you will be with your friend in heaven. While I cannot answer that, I can say the following. When you get to heaven, God promises you will be in bliss which means not only no death or sickness but also no grieving. If your friend is in heaven, you will be in bliss. If he is not in heaven, your bliss will not be diminished. I do not understand that promise from God but I believe it. Perhaps we will understand more of the mind of God and whatever are His decisions in regard not only to your friend but also to all our loved ones, will be accepted by us. For we live by faith, not by sight.”

While only scratching the surface of this important topic of suicide, these thoughts may at least result in additional responses from you as together we grapple with that part of God which is hidden from us but which will be fully revealed as we enter into our heavenly home forever and ever.